Always the bridesmaid, never the bride...
Ok so we aren’t talking weddings here but you get the idea! I feel like I’m living the film 27 dresses only with motherhood not marriage.
Just before going away we saw those two pink lines (the digital version “Pregnant 1-2”) and we could not believe it. Of course we rejoiced because it was amazing. After months of disappointment, smashed hopes and general frustration we finally had that positive result we longed for. We laughed, we definitely cried and we began excitedly dreaming of what our little baby would be like. Possibly naive of us as we have been down that road three other times so we really should be more realistic, but it’s just impossible not to!
With hearts full of hope, we beamed from ear to ear believing this time would be different. Of course there is always going to be a sense of worry because you know the reality of a loss. Every time you need to pee you have a rush of panic through fear of seeing blood. Then when you don’t, you feel silly for panicking and you return to the excited dreaming. You try to remain positive but you still have those momentary flashes of 'what if' where you doubt whether this time really is any different. Pregnancy after loss is hard. loss after loss is harder.
One week and four days in and BAM... the dreaded spotting. Now people will always reassure you that spotting is ‘normal’ but what is normal? Full term pregnancy is normal, miscarriage is normal, both have very different impacts and outcomes. You want to remain hopeful because it’s only a little blood, then a little more and then next toilet trip... nothing. You want to smile because there is hope but you sink because you’ve just lost hope. No amount of scans can truly reassure you, we tried that and that failed too. The tests tell us we are healthy, fertile but unfortunately 'unlucky' so how do you combat 'unlucky' and regain some 'luck' this time? Your heart fills with sadness and you tell yourself that this is it, you can't do this anymore but you still just wait.
For me the worst part is owning up to what my body has failed to do yet again. It’s the embarrassment of not being able to just maintain a pregnancy no matter how hard I try or hope. It’s that feeling you get like you have disappointed everyone around you and like everyone will be angry at you. It’s the upset of knowing your body isn’t just putting you through this but it’s putting your husband through it as well. Your husband that deserves the world but your body is giving him a world of emotional pain. The physical pain subsides given a few weeks, the emotional pain never fully subsides.
So while I’m watching people around me nurture their families, welcome new members and enjoy their creations, I sit here hollow, waiting. I’m empty, my heart hurts and I just wish it wasn’t like this. You ask yourself what you are fighting for, why you are putting yourself through this torture and when will this pain end.
Two years of torture, two years of working through constant pain and in a split second you are taken right back to the moment you lost every last bit of you. All over again you feel that pain. All over again you have to find the courage to carry on when all you want to do is give up and walk away.
How many times can a part of you die until there's nothing left? If everything we’ve fought for isn’t enough then what is? When will I be the bride?