Infertility isn’t for the uptight, miscarriage isn’t for the over worked, it doesn’t discriminate so why do people tell us to ‘just relax’ All you are doing by telling someone to ‘just relax’ is telling them that they are to blame, their lifestyle has caused this and they need to change themselves for this to happen. Once upon a time I was relaxed, I was fun loving and I was excited by life. Recurrent miscarriage stole that from me. The fate of my dream isn’t within my control, I’ve experienced more trauma than most will in a lifetime and I have to fake it most days just to get through life, yet I am all to often told to ‘just relax’ If you are the person wondering who would offer such ridiculous advice, I hate to inform you but a lot of people. I haven’t spoken to a single person who has suffered infertility or pregnancy loss that hasn’t been told to ‘just relax’. What’s worse than ‘just relax’... This one is an easy one for me... ‘just relax, it will happen when you least expect it’... NO IT WON’T because I am always expecting it, I am always testing and I am always hoping so it definitely won’t take me by surprise or creep up on me.
I get it’s hard to know what to say about something when you are looking from the outside in but be assured that little book of cliches do not offer the answer.
Miscarriage and infertility aren’t within our control, we don’t have the option or the choice on when or how these things happen. Relaxing will not cure infertility, it won’t stop miscarriage all it does is indirectly place blame on someone who is already experiencing unbearable grief.
While I do agree we do need to ‘relax’ in order to release pressure from ourselves before we become overwhelmed, I do not agree with it being offered as advice. As someone who has experienced miscarriage after miscarriage, someone who has no idea as to why this is happening and as someone who is grieving... I don’t need to be told to relax. I will however relax in my own way, in my own time and however I feel I can. It is near impossible to shut your mind off to a burning desire, an incredible pain and the need for answers, no matter who you are. You can’t switch off your emotions or suddenly stop hoping that you may one day have answers or better still, a baby.
So if you ever feel the words ‘just relax, it will happen when you least expect it’ about to fall out of your mouth, please pop some cake or something in there and save not only yourself but the heart you are about to shatter. And to the people out their who’s lives have been railroaded by this horrific journey... relax when you dam well want!