Recurrent miscarriage isn’t technically classified as infertility but it sure as hell feels like it, while we may be able to conceive we are yet to have a full term, successful pregnancy.
Anyone who has planned a baby will understand the agony you go through each month, praying for news to come and a dream to start building. Whether it be a few months or a few years most people at some point have felt the frustration of waiting to conceive. The longer it goes on the crazier you start to feel as your dreaded period approaches and you have convinced yourself this is the month because you have been symptom spotting. Only for mother nature to deliver your monthly memo ready to start all over again. Even now, even though I recognise just how similar pregnancy and menstruation symptoms are, I still manage to convince myself this could be the month. Slight twinge... oh it must be an early sign of pregnancy, dogs been a bit off... he must know I’m pregnant! It sounds mental, and it probably is but that’s been my life month upon month.
People suffering from infertility are undoubtedly some of the strongest, most determined people to grace this planet. Each and every one of them live a life filled with disappointment yet walk around with a heart filled with hope. We get up every day, we live as if we are absolutely fine and we wear a smile just like everybody else. We do all that while slowly sinking inside through worry of who may announce a pregnancy next, through fear of someone asking if you have children or worse, asking when you are going to have a child. We nod and smile as people moan about parenthood, when inside we are crying out for the opportunity to even be blessed with a child. We stand in line at the shop listening to that baby cry, that parent shouting at their impatient child and we just stand there holding back tears because that's all we can do.
While I am sure parenthood is challenging not to mention frustrating at times, imagine a life where the option of having a child is out of your hands. Imagine a life trying for a baby, the joy of conceiving, only to lose that pregnancy after a short while. Imagine being told you can’t have that child you desperately want. Imagine having to endure intrusive testing and procedures just to determined whether a successful pregnancy is possible in the future. Imagine then having to fight for the funding to have those tests and procedures because you can’t financially afford to pay thousands to go private in the hope of fulfilling your desire to have a baby. Then imagine not even having a guarantee that this dream will ever become reality, imagine trying to relax while all of this is whirling around in your head and then try to get a good nights sleep when all you want to do is find answers, so you search google for hours. That is just a tiny glimpse of the frustration and challenges faced by those who are living with infertility or those who have experienced miscarriage.
Recurrent miscarriage made me feel like damaged goods, it made me feel like I wasn't good enough and like society deemed me as a lesser being than the mothers among us. It made me feel like I'd failed, I felt guilty and ashamed that I didn’t manage to achieve what so many others have. No matter how many times people tell you it wasn’t your fault, you can’t help but harbour that blame, the blame that then turns to anxiety and fear. You fear ever falling pregnant again because you are scared you may lose another precious sentiment but at the same time you really want to fall pregnant again. Your emotions spiral out of control day by day while you walk around smiling because that's all you can do.