Every now and then it's really easy to feel overwhelmed with life, at those moments remember to keep going because you got this.
After my first miscarriage one of my lovely friends sent me a potato with 'Keep going you got this' written on it. It arrived on a day when I really didn't feel like I was handling life particularly well. I remember walking in from work, feeling really rubbish and deflated, to find this mystery parcel. I sat down outside to open the box with my dogs staring at me, wondering excitedly what was inside and where it had come from. Needless to say that finding a potato was a little unexpected but perfectly needed. Not only did it make me laugh that I was receiving a motivational message... from a potato but it made me feel loved. Sadly the potato did not live on, my dogs used it as a toy and demolished it in about three minutes however its memory certainly does.
I use a photo of the potato as the face of Miscarriage Mumma, partly because people would probably much prefer to see a potato than my face but also because it signifies a really important moment for me.
After each miscarriage I spiralled into a really low place and very rapidly, it was extremely scary to feel so out of control of my own mind. I hated myself, I hated my body and I hated just about everything about my life. I became a person I didn't recognise and a person I didn't want to be but a person that I didn't know how to escape. My life became a constant inner battle with my mind looking for answers as to why I had failed and my heart knowing I hadn't failed as it wasn't my fault. People around me became consumed with wanting to find solutions to this 'problem' which indirectly made you feel like I was being blamed for what had happened. In reality it's just the way we as humans are, we see something wrong and we want to fix it, only losing a baby isn't fixable.
Following my third miscarriage I hit an all time low. Leaving the house became a fear, speaking to people became really challenging and any minor change to my routine was like the end of the world. I was unbearable to myself so I can't even imagine how unbearable I was for other people. I struggled more with this miscarriage as I felt it was 'old news' and as if I shouldn't be feeling how I was because I was a seasoned pro at failed pregnancies. I felt like people were probably bored of the constant bad news and negativity surrounding me so felt it best to isolate myself, knowing full well that was the worst option for me. I was harbouring grief from my previous miscarriages, I was harbouring anger and upset from the people who chose to walk away when I needed them most and I was hurting. I was really very busy looking for answers as to why I had miscarried so many times that I became addicted to researching causes and over analysing everything I had done during each pregnancy. I was so consumed by the pain of lost relationships and friendships, that I was overlooking how blessed I actually was to have some really amazing people there for me day in and day out. I just wanted answers that I was never going to get.
Everything came to a head one Saturday morning, I was refusing to get out of bed, I felt like I didn't have this handled in the slightest and I just broke. For a few weeks before I had been considering ending everything. I had driven to a motorway bridge several times to work out a plan of how easy it would be to end all of this for good. I felt burdened with life and I didn't how I could carry on with how things were. That Saturday I broke down in hysterics and I asked for help. I told my husband exactly how I felt and how I didn't feel safe in my own company any longer. I sent a message to numerous people explaining just how bad things had gotten for us both, not just me, because we had both gone through pregnancy loss. Pressing send on that message was the hardest and bravest thing I have ever done. People tell me I am brave for writing about my journey, I don't feel brave I feel lucky to be here.
Asking for help isn't easy, it isn't admitting defeat, it is simply recognising that you need a little more than you can give yourself at that time. It was on that day that I realised my potato was right... keep going, you got this! I did have this, I have got this and I am nailing this... This for me is recurrent miscarriage, the desire to have a baby of my own and the drive to let people know, it is OK, not to be OK. No matter how hard things are or how overwhelmed/underwhelmed you feel about life just keep going because you have got this. Nothing is permanent, every day brings something new. It may not always be the something new that we hoped for but it is always something new that is getting us closer to where we want to be. Life changes very quickly and as humans we are extremely resilient even though we often don't feel like it at times so just keep going because you have got this.