The more you go through the smaller your circle becomes.
Over the last two years I’ve watched people leave my life, some I expected and some I didn’t. It’s hard when you experience trauma to then go through a shift in your personal life as well. They say you find out who your real friends are when you go through a difficult time, that applies to family as well. What baffles me is why you have to find out during your hardest times, maybe it’s because we live life looking through rose tinted glasses most of our lives!?
We found that after each miscarriage our support slowly got less and less, people stopped asking how we were because ‘we are strong’ The reality is the more you have the harder it becomes. The sadness you felt after 1 or 2 turns into emptiness after 3 or 4. Your life has been consumed for so long that you have nothing left inside, nothing left to give and you just feel numb.
I often wonder if people are ‘sick of the negatives’ and that’s why the support dwindles. I would like to hope not but life is full of surprises and let’s face it even I am sick of this negativity. I am sick of life's pain, I am sick of putting on my brave face and I am sick of getting up every day. I am sick of living for hope, hope that rapidly turns to sadness and I am sick of pressing restart.
The reality for me is that miscarriage 1 and 2 delivered a sudden, unexpected and traumatic sadness. My tears were free flowing, my pain was visible and life had been altered in a very saddening way. I was visibly upset and I was unable to hide that sadness because it had shocked me and it had traumatised me. I had no knowledge of pregnancy loss and no understanding of infertility because I hadn’t known it before I experienced it. I had to learn to adapt and I had to learn to manage my mind. After my third miscarriage came the familiar understanding that I had to ‘stay strong’ ‘keep believing’ and all the other positive cliches people through at you when they don’t know what else to say. The problem with the ‘keep positive’ crowd is that it puts an unnecessary pressure on you to be a certain way so when you aren’t able to, you feel like you are failing... again. With that expectation comes a crash. You can’t stay strong because you hurt, you hurt more than you could ever describe and you begin searching your soul for answers that just aren’t there. You question every part of your life and eventually you hate yourself more than you could imagine. You crash because you have nothing positive to say, nothing positive to think and you burn out.
The hardest part of miscarriage number three was the crash, I fell hard and fast. Although it was the earliest pregnancy loss for me it was the hardest, the most painful and the most life altering. I had experienced it twice before so it was expected that I’d ‘be okay’ therefore no one saw the crash coming. I had lost all hope and faith, I no longer believed in anything but negativity and destruction. My world was altered and I felt more alone than ever. I didn’t know how to get myself out of this dark hole and I didn’t want to ask for help as I feared I would ruin the expectation I felt people had on me to cope.
I can’t even cry anymore about what has happened, I just feel I have nothing in me left to give. I feel that the pieces I had, the pieces that kept me strong and the pieces that kept me believing went when I lost pregnancy number four. I feel like my life has been consumed long enough with living for a hope, not doing things incase I fall pregnant, I just want my life back. I want this whole chapter to end, I want everything that infertility has robbed from me back and I want to truly smile again. There is something about this sadness that is so different, so much harder and so much more lonely than the others. My heart is shattered, my soul is bruised and my mind is exhausted. I am tired, I am ready to give up and I just can’t have hope right now but because my tears aren’t flowing and my words are hidden I am deemed as ‘coping’
I have close family who haven’t been to see me, haven’t asked how I am doing or sent any real acknowledgement of what we are going through. I have friends who have opted to remain silent when I need their noise more than ever. I am not a pro, I don’t know how to deal with this...I have never had four miscarriages before.
I urge anyone reading this to reach out to someone going through a hard time and just let them know you are thinking of them. Remind yourself that no matter how annoying or boring it may be listening to someone’s constant negativity, listening to it is easier living it. What they are going through right now isn’t permanent but will be prolonged without support, never turn your back on someone in pain as it could be the last day you have the choice to do so. Treat people as you would hope to be treated and champion those who aren’t quite ready to champion themselves yet.
To the friends and family who message regularly, have been to visit and try to understand no matter how awkward it makes you feel, I love you, you keep my alive and you keep me fighting this demon.
My circle may be smaller but the love in it is richer than ever x