There is always a positive in every situation even when it takes a while to find it, it is there.
I spent a huge amount of time carrying a heavy heart around with me, feeling hurt and sad while hoping for better days. What I didn’t realise was that I couldn’t have better days because I was too busy living for the sad days. I was hoping for change whilst not making a change and I was dwelling on days gone by rather than living for the days I had, days other people did not get the chance to have.
Pregnancy loss is traumatic, I will never devalue or remove that statement from my vocabulary because it is true, pregnancy loss is traumatic. The physical and mental pain you go through is beyond words, the rollercoaster of emotion that follows pregnancy loss is unbearable. You carry guilt, sadness and grief in your heart whilst willing yourself to remain hopeful and positive. The varied emotions you feel are valid, they matter and they need to be acknowledged. What you feel is very real and only you can decide how to handle each and every emotion that you feel, that is your right and that is your grief. Like everything grief takes time and that time isn’t defined by anybody else, anyone’s opinion or anyone else‘s experience it is defined by you. Everyone is different.
It has taken me around two years to become at peace with my path. For some people that seems like a long time, for others it may seem like no time at all and some people simply will never understand the fact I grieved for a baby I never met. That’s ok because my life isn’t theirs to set timescales for or pass judgement on, my life is exactly that, mine.
I’m here saying there is a positive in every situation because I truly believe there is and I will get to why next. Firstly I want to make it clear that you do not need to rush to a positive mindset, it will come when you are ready. You do not have to compare your journey to mine or anyone else’s because you simply aren’t anyone but yourself and most importantly you just have to do what you need when you need it. I promise you brighter days are coming and if you can look for a positive in every day then it will certainly help but if you aren’t ready for that yet, then don’t add it to your list of pressures. This journey is about you so just let it be.
Recently I have been spending a lot of time in my own mind, thanks to Covid-19, this has never been a good thing so when I realised I wasn’t struggling with my own mind I realised how far I had come. Normally my own mind would have the ability to debilitate me, I could talk myself into a state of anxiety in no time and I could convince myself I was destined for a sad life without a second thought. This just hasn’t been the case lately. I couldn’t even really tell you what’s changed other than being forced to take a step back from life, relax and enjoy what I have but maybe that’s exactly what I needed. Maybe I needed time out to regroup, take a breath and reset. A huge positive from Covid-19 for me has been having time, time to just be. That is time I will never have again to live guilt free from responsibility or social pressure, that time for me personally was a gift. I appreciate not everyone will see the situation in the same light or would have had the same experience, I am merely speaking from my own personal perspective.
I also had time to think about life and I had time to think about how my life has changed and adapted. I felt a huge sense of pride when thinking about how I had dealt with four traumatic experiences, one after the other. I felt proud that I had decided to speak out and set up the Miscarriage Mumma blog because I know now how much courage that truly took. It was at my lowest point that I decided to make a change and talk about a topic many people feel uncomfortable around, a topic I feel uncomfortable around. I did something brave and I stepped out of my comfort zone when I felt I didn’t want to live and I am proud. I dealt with a difficult situations on top of what was already a difficult path, I lost key figures in my life because I simply wasn’t willing to devalue myself to make them feel more comfortable. I walked away from people who had chosen to not be there when I really needed them and as harsh as it sounds I am proud that throughout this I never allowed anyone to devalue me. Did it hurt? Absolutely, I had to grieve not only the loss of my baby but also the loss of people I had given parts of my life to. I learnt my own self worth, I learnt to be thankful for those who had come and gone and I learnt just how strong I am.
This path isn’t over for me and I’m not sure it ever will be but at least now I know I am able to face difficult times and come out the other side. I feel a sense of pride in myself I have never felt before and I am surrounded by people who value me the way I value them. I am able to manage relationships at face value and I don’t have that level of insecurity that made me feel so worthless before. Anxiety still eats away at me at times, I am still shy and I still have self doubt but I am able to manage those feelings in a way I couldn’t before. So while I did suffer pregnancy loss I also survived it, I became a warrior and I did myself proud.