Here goes,I fell pregnant with my son pretty young and thought nothing really of infertility,I knew my mum had lost twins,which always made me feel a little sad for her but nothing could prepare me for the sadness that followed. Myself and my husband spent 10 long painful years waiting for our miracle,15 miscarriages later,countless trips to the hospital for check ups,scan etc only to be told sorry we cant find a heart beat,or I'm sorry it is a blighted ovum which is a term i had never even heard before and in medical terms means my baby was never a baby,we were cheated from day one.Also to be told there is little to no chance of it happening again and boom years later a second blighted ovum.How cruel can the luck of the gods be? miscarriage after miscarriage,the darkness became overwhelming and the dark cloud of depression descended.I would feel like a failure,like I had one job on this planet and couldn't even do that correctly.I felt like I had sold my husband a con,I was cheating him out of his future children because I couldn't bring them to term.I would see friends and family fall pregnant and have babies and be happy for them but inside each time it would happen would break my heart that little bit more.I loved my son he was my world but it was so unfair I couldnt give him that little brother or sister he so desperately wanted to. Eventually realisation kicked in,that It wasnt looking good that It was going to happen on it's own,we saw 3 different specialist,and it was found that I have a genetic disorder a 4:10 translocation we had an answer as to why finally! we were also told our luck was like putting all the genes in a little bag shaking the bag and picking them out,we had had so many miscarriages the genetic specialist reassured us that we should be left with the good ones now and that a baby would soon follow. But no! more heartache more miscarriages followed. Then one day we both said enough and began the adoption process,we just couldnt go throw all that pain and loss again and again and get no where. so it comes the day of signing the adoption papers,I feel queasy in the morning,and my period is late,now after being here so many times before and either the test being negative or miscarrying I was cautious,took the test.... positive!! This will sound silly but this time it felt different the baby felt strong.Now I was still scared that this was going to end in devastation but 5 years on we have a beautiful,amazing little girl.Our special little rainbow baby. when she 3 we thought all our bad luck was over so we would try again,3 miscarriages later one 10 weeks and miscarrying at home,that's a whole experience in itself to undertake when you already feel broken,and a experience I was not expecting after having a d&c's in hospital.Anyway I woffle! We are not done with the trying for another,I know resilient or just plain stupid I'm not sure? but we have took a little sabbatical from the baby making and will resume service in the near future.As someone who knows,when people say to relax it will happen,they are not completely wrong but it's more like remove the pressure from yourself,its out of your control.We have to deal the hand we are given as great or as crap as they might be!! But never ever lose hope!!! sorry it's so long,that was actually very cathartic 😊