In November 2018 after trying to conceive for a few years I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, I shut downing went into complete denial. 5 months later I found out I we were pregnant again and again 7 weeks, miscarriage. I was broken, I never really dealt with either until I started IVF treatment over a year later.
Our first round was going really well, we are unexplained infertility which gets frustrating. 6 embryos successful to use and freeze of good quality but sadly no pregnancy, this is when I realised I was depressed, I was shutting the world out and I felt like I was a failure, my body was broken and not able to do what should come naturally.
Without the support of family, friends and a support group I am lucky enough to be part of I may not have done my second roundabout we got there, I pulled through and my mental health came back, I went into our 2nd IVF round positive but realistic and took it easier on myself. Again we got a negative test back. I am still waiting for my rainbow, we have 1 frozen IVF round left and if that doesn't work I know I won't mentally or physically be able to put myself through it again but we have come to terms with that and maybe, if we need to, we can look in to other options later down the road but we are happy as husband and wife if that is what is meant to be.
IVF isn't what people think it is, you don't go in and magically walk away with a baby. This has been the hardest, most stressful and emotional yer of our lives but we have got through it together. We don't have our happy ending yet, sometimes it hits you out of nowhere and the sadness and emptiness overwhelm. I let myself feel it now, take that moment and then get up and keep going because that's all I can do and I know that no matter what the future brings I will be OK as long as I remain open and allow myself to feel and talk.
We need to break the tabooed the silence. Its not rare or unusual to miscarry or have fertility problems, we are not alone, broken, wrong or something to be hidden or ashamed of. It gets easier the more I talk about them, but I know that hole won't ever go away, I will just be able to hold onto the love as time passes and hope.