Here goes,I fell pregnant with my son pretty young and thought nothing really of infertility,I knew my mum had lost twins,which always made me feel a little sad for her but nothing could prepare me for the sadness that followed. Myself and my husband spent 10 long painful years waiting for our miracle,15 miscarriages later,countless trips to the hospital for check ups,scan etc only to be told sorry we cant find a heart beat,or I'm sorry it is a blighted ovum which is a term i had never even heard before and in medical terms means my baby was never a baby,we were cheated from day one.Also to be told there is little to no chance of it happening again and boom years later a second blighted ovum.How cruel can the luck of the gods be? miscarriage after miscarriage,the darkness became overwhelming and the dark cloud of depression descended.I would feel like a failure,like I had one job on this planet and couldn't even do that correctly.I felt like I had sold my husband a con,I was cheating him out of his future children because I couldn't bring them to term.I would see friends and family fall pregnant and have babies and be happy for them but inside each time it would happen would break my heart that little bit more.I loved my son he was my world but it was so unfair I couldnt give him that little brother or sister he so desperately wanted to. Eventually realisation kicked in,that It wasnt looking good that It was going to happen on it's own,we saw 3 different specialist,and it was found that I have a genetic disorder a 4:10 translocation we had an answer as to why finally! we were also told our luck was like putting all the genes in a little bag shaking the bag and picking them out,we had had so many miscarriages the genetic specialist reassured us that we should be left with the good ones now and that a baby would soon follow. But no! more heartache more miscarriages followed. Then one day we both said enough and began the adoption process,we just couldnt go throw all that pain and loss again and again and get no where. so it comes the day of signing the adoption papers,I feel queasy in the morning,and my period is late,now after being here so many times before and either the test being negative or miscarrying I was cautious,took the test.... positive!! This will sound silly but this time it felt different the baby felt strong.Now I was still scared that this was going to end in devastation but 5 years on we have a beautiful,amazing little girl.Our special little rainbow baby. when she 3 we thought all our bad luck was over so we would try again,3 miscarriages later one 10 weeks and miscarrying at home,that's a whole experience in itself to undertake when you already feel broken,and a experience I was not expecting after having a d&c's in hospital.Anyway I woffle! We are not done with the trying for another,I know resilient or just plain stupid I'm not sure? but we have took a little sabbatical from the baby making and will resume service in the near future.As someone who knows,when people say to relax it will happen,they are not completely wrong but it's more like remove the pressure from yourself,its out of your control.We have to deal the hand we are given as great or as crap as they might be!! But never ever lose hope!!! sorry it's so long,that was actually very cathartic 😊

I had a miscarriage this year , it was the most soul destroying experience of my life. Mentally and physically the worst pain I have ever been through, you feel like something has been taken from you and your kind of just left with an empty space in your heart that no amount of comfort can fill. It was my baby’s due date last Friday and I laid flowers where my babies ashes are, I don’t think the pain will ever go away or get easier it’s just something you learn to live with. I already have a 9 year old daughter and all the experiences I have with her and the bond we have I can’t help but think I will never have those memories with my baby. I was angry at first because I thought why did my baby’s life get taken before he even had a chance to live, the hospital said I lost him because he had a birth defect and my body rejected him because of it, the imagine of him on the screen lifeless in my womb with no heartbeat is an image I will never forget ,how is that fair but then I began telling myself maybe he was to good for earth and god took him as an angel and that’s the thought that has pulled me through on my darkest days. I sympathise with anyone who has to go through this kind of pain , il forever have a small emptiness that will never go away, best thing to do in my experience is take each day as it comes and hope he’s in a better place where he has peace, I still talk to him in hope he knows I love him and he’s still my baby , thoughts go out to anyone going through this tragedy xx

I had a miscarriage in june I was 6 weeks 2 days, I never knew I wanted a baby until it was taken away from me, it caused me to have major depression and I was self neglecting myself for months. The doctors was horrible to me and gave me no support what so ever I was grateful for my partner friends and family I have just found out I am now 7 nearly 8 weeks pregnant and I am over the moon to have a rainbow baby xo

I had 9 miscarriages before having my daughter who whilst I was pregnant was only a 50:50 chance of being carried to full term. My heart goes out to every single person who has suffered a miscarriage and all I can say is that you will come out the other side - love to all xxx

Firstly I would like to say you are amazing to set this up I have always spoken out openly about my miscarriages and in turn I have had people come to me for help and advice. It’s like a taboo subject which it shouldn’t be we should all support each other. I’ve also had 4 miscarriages and believe I can’t carry boys as each pregnancy I’ve not felt sick and I’ve lost them at 8 weeks each time, each being different too. I have 3 beautiful healthy girls so if you can gain anything from me then it should be that you will have a baby one day. Relax with it all ( which I no is super hard ) and it will come when your body is ready. Good luck in your journey Aimee

In April this year I was told I would never be able to have children unless medically helped (ivf) April was also the month I conceived naturally! After 4 years of constant trips to my GP I was slightly confused as to how I had conceived but was over the moon. May 21st was the day I seen those 2 pink lines bursting with happiness and my heart was completely full! July 9th I was told that my baby had no heart beat 1 week shy from my 13 week scan. July 11th I found myself in hospital having a medical managed miscarriage my heart was completely empty and the next 6 hours was the worst! I lost count the amount of times I cried that day and the days after. I’m sat here today completely Empty asking myself a million questions that nobody can answer, I think about our baby from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. I ask myself if it’s normal to still be just as sad as the day it happened but I know that it’s ok to feel the way I do. The hardest part is accepting what has happened. I wasn’t given much support after if anything at all I just had it drummed into my head that it will happen again as if my baby was a batch of cookies and I can just bake more, that’s not the case when it took me so long to conceive and was even told I would never have children the natural way. I think it’s amazing your offering support and I’ve been searching for some kind of support from people that understand it more because they’ve had it happen to them.. I’m awaiting my rainbow after my storm but every day I pray that I will be someone’s mummy one day 💛✨

I struggled to conceive the first time round and fell pregnant at 39, i miscarried the first pregnancy and then fell pregnant with my daughter the following month. We left trying for a second for a while as we got married but started trying shortly after again it took a long time to conceive when I finally did I miscarried four consecutive times, I finally got one that stuck and was over the moon. As I’m older 42 I had the downs test and my baby came back as 1 in 54, I was devastated I decided to have the harmony test and luckily all was fine I now also have a beautiful 6 month old son. The miscarriages were heartbreaking but I grew to expect it and built myself up ready to deal with it so it wasn’t such a shock when it happened. It’s funny because with both my son and daughter I felt from very early on in the pregnancy it was going to be okay. The midwife was amazing the second time around because of the miscarriages I was kept a close eye on and had lots of additional scans to keep my mind at ease. I feel blessed and hope that by reading this I can give others some hope. Lianne

have been through two miscarriages now. One happened Christmas Day last year and one at the end of June. My first one I was 10 1/2 weeks my body knew before I did and starting bleeding. I had an internal scan and nurses said baby was only measuring at 7 weeks and no heart beat. However the news got worse to sign off a miscarriage there has to be two sonographera present and they only had one on site, so I was asked to go back the following day for it to all happen again. This was heart breaking but I climbed onto every hope that they were wrong. When I went back I managed to look at the screen and the lady was so nice she printed a scan picture off for us to keep.I then went through the whole miscarriage at home on Christmas Day. My second was I went for my 12 week scan thinking really positive as I felt completely different being sick more and feeling a lot more tired. However again had scan and they asked how far gone I was and that baby wasn’t measuring correctly. So I had to have another internal scan and they confirmed that baby was only 10 weeks and no heart beat. However this was along wait as I knew before my body knew and it took 3 weeks for my body to realise the baby had died. I talk very openly about my experience as it’s so common and I can’t believe you’ve got to go through three miscarriages before you are offered any tests.

Firstly let me just express how sorry I am for all your losses and a big thank you for setting this online support up for those suffering losses. My name is Claire I am now 51 and my first pregnancy was textbook my son was 10 days late but on time according to my dates in my period diary! The labour well I went to the hospital when I was 5cms dilated and my way of dealing with pain and it was back pain was to sleep and sleep is what I did! Poor hubby was the one awake all night while I snored my head off. I vaguely remember being told to push but I though I was dreaming. My hubby and the midwife woke me telling me to look, you have a boy and all I remember were these large hands he had waving about! Any how he was a healthy boy 7lb 4oz this was in 1988. After I bled for some 16 weeks and never was asked to be checked out down below by my drafter for my post natal examination, I never had a post natal check even though I did see the dr several times as I developed mastitis and even when my son went from breast to soya milk never once was I asked to come and see a dr for a check up. Years on I realise this may have saved all the heartache I was then to suffer. When my son was a year old on Christmas day I started to miscarry It was a horrendous time as we had moved area and the army were dealing with ambulance trips (I think they were on strike or something like that) We were very rural in Herefordshire and I was admitted to a ward that was basically a geriatric type of ward as the gynae ward was shut on Christmas day. On Boxing day I was taken down to theatre for a D&C as they told me there was no heart beat. It was dreadful as when I was back on the gynae ward that had then opened there were ladies having terminations and hysterectomy's and other gynae ops. I never felt so alone and so scared in my life. I was there a few days and the pain had just got worse and worse so I was rescanned and taken back down to have yet another D&C. On the ward you could hear babies crying as opposite the maternity ward (just to add insult to injury) I remember having a melt down in the toilets sopping and a nurse ask what ever was I crying about? I was told not to be so silly and to pull myself together! Well come the new year the pain was still just as bad as too the bleeding so I was re admitted and a laparotomy (think that is what is is called) and then discharged 4 days later. I then went on to have an ectopic a year later and at the same time on the opposite side ovarian cysts (that I knew nothing about until then) ruptured I then guessed it was ectopic by the one sided pain and the severity of the pain I honestly did think I was going to die. Back then with emergency ectopics you were just slit open like a C-section. When I was scanned there was an empty pregnancy sac but it was an ectopic and the cysts. I was on the ward 10 days and it really was hell. It took a good 6 months to recover from that and it seemed that every time we did it I got caught pregnant! I so much wanted a big family as I loved babies and children but it was not to be. In my late 30's I demanded to have tests etc but after surgery was just told my one tube was blocked and so badly damaged with scaring and a double whammy hubby was then told his sperm well they were lucky to find one live one so both of us were then infertile so we gave up.. I am now 51 and from my 20's when I had my first loss up until being told I was infertile never once were we given support of help to deal with this emotionally which I find very sad. Nobody would visit with babies apart from one old neighbour who was just natural with me and her kids. It is odd how many ladies will suddenly avoid seeing you or even letting you near their kids/babies. Also when it comes to the medical profession their attitude towards anyone who has had a loss, well it certainly needs changing. When I went to have my stitches out after the ectopic the lady dr gave me a lecture about there being far too many children in the world and nature was doing me a favour!! She may be dead and gone now but her hurtful words still stay with me nearly 30 years on. I understand that nature has its way of dealing with abnormalities so a lady will suffer a loss but more needs to be done test wise * I hope this is not a trigger for anyone recently suffering a loss if this may be the case keep scrolling by * dr need to have all pads etc examined to try and establish a cause for the loss which I feel would certainly have helped me or even a gynae seeing you straight away to try and establish what is going wrong and what could be done to stop further losses/Sadly I am a widow of 7 years but it was only before hubby passed that I realised that I am RH+and he was RH- s that too may have been a cause and also hubbys first wife kept having losses and they both had a still born which must have screwed them both up mentally when I heard how they were only allowed to spend an hour with their son before her was taken off to the mortuary., but this was never looked in to or questioned. The older I get the more I now learn that there are things drs over the years failed to do which may have helped hubby and myself and saved us both the heartache of 10 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. However I will always be thankful I have a son who is nearly 31 and that is more than some will ever have. I also think that if medics can establish that you will never carry full term or past a certain length then more could be done to help couples to adopt and foster as there are way too many children who are not living in an environment where they can grow and reach full potential. Far too many children are stuck in the care system. I really do hope things have changed when you suffer a loss. The only thing I have is my hospital wrist bands from every D&CI had and the pregnancy test report from the chemist that is all I have. Even I had a picture of a scan like many do these days that would have helped me tremendously with this life long grieving that I have to deal with. I encourage any lady that has suffered a loss to keep wristband, anything to do with the loss to put in a memory box and never to forget their angel baby and to find support groups to talk openly to others about their feelings their self hate and blame for their loss and even trying to get intimate after and the way others act towards them after their loss. Also to remember partners too as they tend to be left out and the other half have feeling too. Thank you for setting this group up and I hope you all can find each other experiences a help. I am way past it now suffering the menopause but hell I am still so very broody at 51!! I can't wait to be a granny. Love to you all and be kind to yourselves Claire x

When I heard someone has a miscarriage, I used to think, oh that sad. But since having one myself, sad doesn't begin to cover it. The word miscarriage doesn't do it justice. It's the greatest happiness you'll ever experience, followed by the worst heartache imaginable. I had the most amazing 11 weeks carrying my baby, it wasn't just a bunch of cells, a foetus... it was my baby. Saying goodbye was a pain I had never experienced, and hope to never feel again. The pit of darkness I was in... I never thought I'd escape. And I don't know how I found the strength to get up and carry on. I have now come out the other side, but I truly believe losing a baby has shaped who i am. I still think who he or she would've been, I still think of them on their due date. To anyone going through it, let yourself grieve, let yourself feel. Keep faith. Believe.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and little did I know that one of my all time favourite songs is what I live by to cope and deal with miscarriage. Oasis, Don’t look back in anger. After the first and second I was just filled with anger and hate which isn’t a healthy state of mind to be in when grieving. I would be like why do they get to be parents when they don’t do anything for their kids or how people complain about their kids to you without realising what a privileged position they are in compared to you. When in fact during grieving it is fine to feel this but to counteract it with positives that are in your life rather than focus on the hate. Now we are at number 4 the frustration of not being listened too or given the care and treatments we need with the NHS rather than focus on this anger at there lack of care and support they promised. Deciding to go and see a specialist that listens to you and is now providing valuable tests and treatments with a clear action plan and dates gives you hope and something to focus on to keep aiming for your goal. I am sure one day we will turn this dream into reality but in the meantime I will focus on the great elements of my life and not look back in anger...

Hi. I keep ready all the stories you've been sharing and thought I'd share mine too. A few of the posts you've shared, when I've read them, it just seems to be at the right time and just what I needed at that particular point -thank you! So my story - in May we found out we were pregnant for the first time. Both of us were so excited. The normal symptoms kicked in, sickness, crazy sense of smell and prickly boobs. Around 10 weeks these started to ease a little, I assumed that was normal, that's what people tell you, things start to get better the closer to 12 weeks you get. 2 days before my 12 week scan I had a tiny bit of spotting so headed in to get checked. Tests were still showing I was pregnant. I went for my scan, as they completed the external scan the doctor asked if i was sure my dates were right, I knew then something wasn't right. He told me they needed to do an internal scan, it was then he told me 'I'm sorry, it's not the news you are hoping for'. I had lost my baby about 4 weeks before but my body hadn't reacted. I'd had a missed miscarriage. 2 days later, the day I was supposed to have my 12 week scan I was back at the hospital, on the same ward, only instead of having a scan I was being put under general anesthetic so they could remove the pregnancy. The last 5 months have been tough. I've experienced every emotion going. We are staying hopeful that one day we will get our rainbow baby. I really hope the same for you too. You never think it will happen to you, until it does, and that's when you realise just how many other couples are going through this. Thank you for sharing your story and breaking the taboo on this. I so wanted to do something positive like this when I found out but as yet I haven't had the strength other than to talk openly about it to my friends and family. xxx

Vikki's Story - Miscarriage & IVF; In November 2018 after trying to conceive for a few years I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, I shut downing went into complete denial. 5 months later I found out I we were pregnant again and again 7 weeks, miscarriage. I was broken, I never really dealt with either until I started IVF treatment over a year later. Our first round was going really well, we are unexplained infertility which gets frustrating. 6 embryos successful to use and freeze of good quality but sadly no pregnancy, this is when I realised I was depressed, I was shutting the world out and I felt like I was a failure, my body was broken and not able to do what should come naturally. Without the support of family, friends and a support group I am lucky enough to be part of I may not have done my second roundabout we got there, I pulled through and my mental health came back, I went into our 2nd IVF round positive but realistic and took it easier on myself. Again we got a negative test back. I am still waiting for my rainbow, we have 1 frozen IVF round left and if that doesn't work I know I won't mentally or physically be able to put myself through it again but we have come to terms with that and maybe, if we need to, we can look in to other options later down the road but we are happy as husband and wife if that is what is meant to be. IVF isn't what people think it is, you don't go in and magically walk away with a baby. This has been the hardest, most stressful and emotional yer of our lives but we have got through it together. We don't have our happy ending yet, sometimes it hits you out of nowhere and the sadness and emptiness overwhelm. I let myself feel it now, take that moment and then get up and keep going because that's all I can do and I know that no matter what the future brings I will be OK as long as I remain open and allow myself to feel and talk. We need to break the tabooed the silence. Its not rare or unusual to miscarry or have fertility problems, we are not alone, broken, wrong or something to be hidden or ashamed of. It gets easier the more I talk about them, but I know that hole won't ever go away, I will just be able to hold onto the love as time passes and hope.